That isn’t love.

I came out as pansexual just under a year ago.

In that time, I have had many conversations with friends and acquaintances about my sexuality and my relationship with Angie. Most of them have been very loving and supportive. 

Some of them have been incredibly hurtful. 

I want to talk about the hurtful ones today. Every single one of the hurtful conversations has been with folks who identify as Christian. Not surprising, but no less harmful. Many of these painful conversations have taken place with individuals whom I have known and called friend for years and years. In short, the conversations have had the theme of "hate the sin, love the sinner". This long-held evangelical theology is both dismissive and harmful to LGBTQ+ folks.

If you are in the camp of "same sex love is sinful, but I still love you," please consider the following:

I ask you to take a few deep breaths. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. I want you to bring to mind the most important relationship in your life. It might be with a significant other, spouse, or beloved friend. Seriously, bring that relationship to mind. Think about how you feel about that person, the love you have for that person. Bring to mind the holy moments you have had with that person, the moments when you felt Spirit in the room with you. The sacred moments of intimacy, of physical touch, of visceral love. Consider the connection and love you have for that person whether you are together or apart. Recall when you have celebrated with that person. Recall when you have mourned with that person in the middle of the night. When you have worked through anxiety together. When you have created something together. The moments when you have known that God is real, and God is love, because of the way your heart feels like bursting in joy. 

Now imagine a friend coming to you and telling you that they think you made a mistake. That relationship isn't what you think it is. Your relationship is wrong. It is against God. It is broken. It is sinful. That most important relationship warrants hell for eternity for you. You deserve pain and suffering for eternity because of the holy love you share with that human being. "But I love you," they say. 

That. Is. Not. Love.

Full stop.

And loving myself and the family I am creating means protecting myself from people who believe I deserve hell. Love is of God. It is sacred, it is holy, it is joyful, it is warm, it is inviting. If it does not feel like these things, it is not love.